Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
