Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
false alarm, still single
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