Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
