Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
