I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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