Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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