You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
