So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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