Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My friends, they love my intelligence
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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