Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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