she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The adults are the big ones right?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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