you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
