Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize