I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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