i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
