I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
me + whiskey = a bad person
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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