i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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