I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
