If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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