What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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