Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
