Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
