I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I need a beard to bite.
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