We won't sleep together?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
