Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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