eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize