Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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