so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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