I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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