how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
