Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
