chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
