Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
