you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
