After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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