there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
