Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
