The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
