I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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