I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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