Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
