i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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