Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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