After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
