chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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