even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
