After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize