Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
