Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
