Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
