Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
