you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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