apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Come share oat with me in your robe
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
