not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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