new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
