I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
