Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
