i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
