i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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