I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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